Unconditional Read online

  The ever observant Mrs. Dorinsky scanned my office. “Something’s different in here.”

  “Uh…no. Same old, same old. How was your week?”

  She shook her head. “No, no. You changed something.” Her gaze fixed on my desk. “Where is that adorable picture of you and your handsome husband?”

  Despite my efforts to be casual, I stammered. “It’s…uh…it’s…being reframed. How is your anxiety level this week?” A wave of nausea suddenly hit me. “Would you excuse me for just one minute?” I asked already on my way out the door.

  I slammed the restroom door behind me and lunged for the toilet, cursing Thomas as I retched. When my stomach had emptied, I rinsed my mouth and took a few sips of water before returning to my office. “I’m so sorry. I think I’m coming down with something.”

  Mrs. D. gave me her x-ray stare, much like the one my mother possessed. Then she broke into a smile. “You don’t have to fib to me. I can see it in your face. When are you due?”

  “I…uh… December. How did you know?”

  “Honey, you’ve gone from A cup to a double D in two weeks. It’s obvious. Your face is fuller, too. And the nausea…”

  I clamped my hands over my breasts which, I noted, were significantly expanded, explaining why my bra didn’t quite fit right. Even on a good day, I’d never see a double D. Is that why Thomas was attracted to me in the first place, because I had barely-there breasts compared to other women? I snapped back to the conversation at hand. “Oh. It’s just, I haven’t told anyone yet.”

  She zipped her fingers across her lips. “Your secret’s safe with me. Now, don’t tell me that husband of yours isn’t excited.”

  “Mrs. D., we’ve talked about boundaries. That’s not an appropriate question.”

  She raised her eyebrows. “But you ask me questions like that all the time, and I answer them. Let me tell you something. Marriage takes work. I know. I’ve been married four times. There’s nothing love can’t overcome.”

  “But you just said you’ve been married four times.”

  She waved a hand, the multiple silver bracelets on her wrist rattling. “Love is sometimes fickle. But I’ve struck gold with Mr. D. Now, back to your marriage.”

  I set down my notepad. “Mrs. Dorinsky, I don’t think—”

  “Please, call me Carol. Did I ever tell you about my second husband? Why we divorced?”

  I gave up and shook my head. At least we were talking about her.

  “He left me for his secretary.”

  Her words sliced through me. I pressed a fist to my mouth, but couldn’t stifle the sob. In the next instant, I sat beside Mrs. D. on the loveseat while she stroked my back and offered motherly comfort. I spilled everything, except the fact that my husband’s assistant was male. “Oh, sweetie, it’s gonna be okay.”

  “I don’t think so.” I glanced at the clock on my desk. “Oh, God. I’m so sorry. Your time’s nearly up and we didn’t talk about you.”

  Mrs. D. patted my hand. “I’m sick of talking about me. Actually, this was a great session. I feel like I did something helpful.”

  I stood and straightened my skirt. “There won’t be a charge for this session. I’m so sorry. I’ve been completely unprofessional.”

  She pulled me into a hug, jamming my face into her ample bosom. “Don’t you worry, sweetie. Things have a way of working themselves out. And, in any case, you’ll have a precious baby.”

  “Thanks, Mrs. D.” I wrenched free and opened the door for her to exit.

  As we walked to the waiting room, Mrs. D. put an arm around my shoulders. “Just remember—you’re better than anything that man makes you think about yourself.”

  Nikki looked up and her eyebrows lifted to her hairline.

  “Yes, um…” I cleared my throat and tried to look professional. “Nikki, please schedule Mrs. Dorinsky for another appointment at her convenience. Oh, and there’s no charge for today.”

  “Nonsense.” Mrs. Dorinsky smiled and whipped out her checkbook. “This was the best session I’ve ever had. I feel so empowered.”

  After she left, Nikki’s eyes met mine. “What was that all about? And you look terrible, by the way.”

  “It was so embarrassing. I had to leave the session to throw up. And Mrs. D. put two and two together.” I closed my eyes and drew in a deep breath. “Would you please get Dr. Newberry on the phone for me?”

  “The psychiatrist? You making a referral?”

  “Yes. Me.”

  Chapter Fourteen

  “Kat, would you please say something?”

  Dr. Kathryn Newberry sat opposite me, her kind hazel eyes unblinking. “Sure. First of all, I’m very sorry for what’s happening in your marriage. Secondly, perhaps you should take a few months off, get a little perspective.” She narrowed her gaze. “Are you putting on weight?”

  “I can’t take that much time off. I just rented a house. And I’m…I’m pregnant.”

  Kat’s lips curved into a smile. “Congratulations.” Then her smile faded. “Oh, bad timing.”

  “Not such bad timing, perhaps. I need this baby.”

  “Need?”

  “And want. I want the baby. I’m thrilled. But I can’t keep melting down with my clients.”

  “You’re human. Yes, we have to keep a professional distance. But, we’re not above human emotions. Does it really hurt our clients to know that? Give yourself a break, Meg.”

  I blew a loose strand of hair out of my eye. “I’ve…uh…been going to…funerals.”

  Her forehead creased. “Excuse me?”

  “Funerals. For complete strangers. At first, it was cathartic. But, I’m worried. It’s becoming a habit. I’m not sure it’s healthy.”

  She leaned toward me, locking her eyes with mine. “Have you been having thoughts about death?”

  “Thoughts? Oh, no. God, no. It started when I took flowers to my grandfather’s grave on his birthday. I fell into line behind a funeral procession as I was leaving the cemetery.” I told Kat about my various funeral attendances.

  Kat sat back in her chair and toyed with her pen. “If you’re thinking it’s not healthy, then you’re probably right. What would you tell one of your clients if they came to you with this?”

  “I’d suggest they find other ways to deal with their grief.”

  “Ah. Is that what it is? Grief?”

  “What else could it be?”

  “You tell me.”

  I glared at her. “Oh, don’t pull that therapy crap with me. What do you think it is?”

  She laughed. “You came here for ‘that therapy crap.’” She sobered. “You know I can’t tell you. I don’t have your answers. You’ll figure it out. The next time you have the urge to attend a funeral, stay put and listen to the anxiety. See what it’s telling you.”

  I frowned at her. “I hate it when you’re right.”

  “Meg, you’re going through a lot right now. Stress can screw with our heads, make us do things we wouldn’t normally do. You have to give yourself a break. And consider the baby.”

  “I’m going to a holistic retreat center in Sedona for a week.”

  Kat peered over her glasses. “You?”

  “Nikki talked me into it. Maybe it’ll be the break I need to get things into perspective. At least it’ll give me geographic distance from everything. If I could just get control over my damn hormones.”

  Kat patted my knee. “You’ll be fine. You were a force to be reckoned with before all of this happened with Thomas. You didn’t take any crap from anybody in college. Remember? Draw on that strength now.”

  “That wasn’t strength. That was youth and overcompensation. But you’re the psychiatrist, so you already know that.”

  “I’m also your friend. You’re stronger than you know. When are you going to the spa?”

  “Week after next.”

  “Want to talk again when you get back?”

  “Do I need to?”

  “I was thinking dinner, not an
appointment.”

  “Oh. Sure. Dinner would be great.” I removed my checkbook from my purse. “What do I owe you?”

  “Put that away. Professional courtesy. I’m sure you’ll have the chance to return this favor.”

  “Thanks, Kat. I knew you could talk me off the ledge.”

  Leaving Kat’s office, I slipped into the Starbuck’s on the corner and ordered a decaf latte. While I sipped the hot brew, I jotted a list of things to do to prepare for the move into my new house. Anticipation quickly replaced the feeling of dread. In my head, I resolved the fact that my marriage was over. I knew my heart would catch up. Eventually.

  ~ * ~

  I picked up the phone, but paused before pressing in the numbers. Did I really want to do this? I hit ‘1’ to speed dial Thomas. I determined I would change the assigned number later, demote him down the list. Take him off the list. Put him on the shit-list, where he belonged.

  “Meg? This is a surprise.”

  “Hey. I have a doctor’s appointment tomorrow. We should be able to hear the baby’s heartbeat. I thought you may want to be there.”

  “I definitely want to be there. What time should I pick you up?”

  “Meet me at two-thirty. Dr. Brodey’s office is in the Riverview Plaza on the North Shore.”

  “I don’t mind picking you up.”

  “I mind. I’ll see you there.” I hung up. I wondered how I’d get through the next six and half months.

  ~ * ~

  The following afternoon, I arrived early for my appointment and asked to speak with Dr. Brodey before Thomas arrived.

  The nurse showed me to an exam room and gave me a gown. “The doctor will be in shortly.”

  “If my hus… If Mr. Flores arrives, please just have him wait. I want to talk with the doctor for a minute alone first.”

  “Certainly.” She closed the door, and I heard her drop my chart into the tray on the other side.

  I perused posters on the walls that depicted the week by week development of a baby in utero. I searched for eleven weeks. The baby was defined—sort of, with fingers and toes, and I pictured my own baby.

  A tap sounded on the door, and Dr. Brodey entered. “Megan, how are you feeling?”

  “Great. Look, I need to tell you something before Thomas gets here.”

  He set my chart on the counter and turned to face me.

  “Thomas and I are separated. We’re getting a divorce.”

  “I see. But he’s coming today?”

  I nodded. “I thought you should know.”

  “This has to be difficult for you.”

  “Just about everything is difficult these days. I cry over TV commercials.”

  The nurse tapped and opened the door. “Excuse me. Mr. Flores is here.”

  “Thank you. I’ll buzz the desk in a few minutes, Cheryl can send him back.” The doctor turned to me. “How about if I do your exam first, then we call him in to hear the heartbeat?”

  “Thanks.” I didn’t want Thomas there while I was probed and prodded. I wouldn’t afford him that particular intimacy.

  The doctor completed the exam. “Everything seems to be progressing nicely. Do you have any questions or concerns?”

  “No. I’m flying to Arizona next week for a vacation. Is there anything I shouldn’t do?”

  “Well, I’d avoid mountain climbing and sky diving. Normal exercise is good. Be sure to get enough fluids when you’re in the heat. Now, are you ready to hear your baby’s heart?”

  I drew in a deep breath and nodded.

  Dr. Brodey pressed a button on the intercom and directed the receptionist to send Thomas in.

  Thomas entered the room and stood uncertainly near the door.

  “Dr. Brodey, this is my…uh... This is Thomas.”

  The doctor nodded and acknowledged Thomas’s presence.

  Thomas edged his way to the side of the table where I reclined. Dr. Brodey placed a stethoscope on my swelling abdomen. Thomas looked down and gasped. He hadn’t seen me since I’d started to show.

  The doctor adjusted a knob on a black box, and the speaker emitted a rapid whooshing sound. My breath caught. “Is that the baby?”

  “It sounds so fast,” Thomas said, his eyes wide.

  “Perfectly normal.” The doctor moved the stethoscope and the sound became louder.

  I listened to the staccato beats of the little heart that rested beneath my own.

  Dr. Brodey removed the stethoscope. “In another couple of weeks, we’ll schedule a sonogram and take some pictures.”

  I grinned. “I can’t wait.”

  “I’ll give you two a few minutes.” Dr. Brodey closed the door behind him.

  Thomas pressed my hand between his. “That was amazing.”

  “Yes. I’ll let you know when I schedule the sonogram appointment.” I slid my hand free.

  “But, won’t you have an appointment next week?”

  I sat up and swung my legs over the edge of the table. “No. I’m going out of town next week.”

  He furrowed his eyebrows. “Where are you going?”

  I didn’t want to mention the retreat. “I’m going to Arizona with Nikki.”

  He lifted an eyebrow. “Nikki?”

  “She planned this trip to Sedona and invited me along. Not that it’s any of your business.” I was unclear about where the boundary belonged all of a sudden.

  “Should you be traveling in your condition?”

  I slid off the table and reached for my clothes. “I’m going on vacation, not deep sea diving. Dr. Brodey said it’s fine. Would you please step outside so I can get dressed?”

  “Sure. Will you call me before you leave town?”

  “Why?”

  “Because I care about how you’re doing.” His eyes fell again to my belly. “Can I feel the baby?”

  “There’s no movement yet. But, sure. Go ahead.”

  He palmed my abdomen tentatively. “It’s amazing.”

  “Yeah.” His hand was warm and my emotions shuffled like a deck of cards. This was how it should be, the two of us sharing the wonder.

  “Thank you for letting me be here today.”

  “You’re the baby’s father.”

  He traced a finger along my cheek. “I don’t deserve your generosity.”

  “Nope, you don’t.” My throat constricted.

  “Call me, please. Especially if you need anything,” he said.

  “Actually, I do need something. I’ll need furniture for the baby’s room in the new house I’ve rented.”

  “Let’s go shopping when you return from your vacation.”

  “You don’t have to. I’ll get estimates of cost and let you know.”

  “So I can simply write a check? Meg, I want to help pick out the furniture. Call me when you get home.” He closed the door softly as he exited.

  I felt sad that Thomas was not still standing at my side when I stopped to schedule my next appointment. We should have been leaving there together, going to lunch, talking about baby names.

  Chapter Fifteen

  I stepped out of the dressing room cubicle. “Well, what do you think of this?” I twirled to model a loose-fitting maternity dress. I didn’t come near to filling it out yet, but it was pretty.

  Audrey smiled. “It’s beautiful. You’re beautiful. Glowing.”

  I faced the mirror and studied my image. I did glow, as if lit from the inside. “Okay, I’ll take this one, too.”

  When I checked out, Audrey beat me to the draw and presented her VISA card. “These are on me.”

  “No.”

  “Yes. What else do I have to spend money on? I want to do this, Meg. I know you have a lot of unexpected expenses with the move. And you wouldn’t let me buy anything for the house.”

  The cashier swiped the card and handed it back to my sister.

  “Thank you, Audrey.”

  “You’re welcome. By the way, Mom called last night. She’s worried. I heard a surprise visit in her voice, so I t
old her you’re going away for a week.”

  I nodded. “She called to caution me about the perils of air travel. Then she suggested that, if I need a vacation, I go to Florida and visit her and Dad.”

  Audrey rolled her eyes. “Like that would be relaxing for you.”

  My jaw dropped. “Audrey.”

  “What? I love Mom, but you have to admit she can be exhausting.” She took the shopping bag from the cashier and we headed back into the mall. “You’re amazing, the way you’re handling all of this.”

  “You think so?”

  “Are you kidding? You’re my hero. But, you always were.”

  I stopped and faced her. “You’re serious?”

  “Yes. I always wanted to be more like you, but it’s just not in me. You’re outgoing, outspoken, even outlandish at times. I wish I could come out.”

  I furrowed my eyebrows and replayed her words. I connected the dots to our earlier conversation about dating. “Come out? Audrey, you’re not telling me you’re gay.” I whispered the last word.

  “No. I meant be more outgoing, like you.”

  I laughed. “Couldn’t you have just said that?” I linked my arm through hers. “Come on. I need to eat. Let’s find the food court.”

  Audrey stared while I tore through a large grilled chicken salad with two breadsticks and sucked down a chocolate shake. “My God, I’ve never seen you inhale food so fast.”

  I grinned. “Are you planning to finish those fries?”

  “You never eat fries because of the grease.”

  “Apparently the baby loves them, though.”

  She slid her plate across the table to me. “I had a thought.”

  “Oh?”

  “You’re not going to have time to unpack all of your boxes at the new house before you leave for Arizona.”

  “That’s true. I may not get them unpacked for months.”

  “Leave a key with me. I’ll have the house set up for you when you get back.”

  I shook my head. “Audrey, I can’t ask you to do that.”

  “You didn’t ask. Besides, I have weeks of unused vacation time. It’ll be fun.”

  It had never occurred to me to invite Audrey to join Nikki and me at the spa. “I should have asked you to come with us. I’m sorry.”